So I got a speeding ticket a couple of weeks ago. I was doing 17 over the speed limit in a playground zone, it was awful. I NEVER speed through playground zones, as a mother I’m quite often on the fist-shaking end of things towards people speeding.

I was on my way to church on Sunday morning (seriously, this is what happened), now, normally I go to the 5pm Saturday mass (the music’s better) but I had missed the night before. So as I was driving, thinking about how busy it might be, if I would get to sit near the front to see what was happening, if I had any money in my wallet for collection and if it would be frowned upon if I took my coffee in with me. I had all these thoughts whirling through my mind, and then the police officer stepped out in front of my van. I knew instantly what had happened, I felt sick to my stomach. The cop pulled me over right in front of the church too, so my shame was on display for the population in attendance to see. And everyone loves to watch someone getting pulled over, it means it’s not them.

Fast forward 2 weeks, I have a Friday off and I’m headed down to the courthouse to see if I can get my fine/demerits reduced. Here is a timeline plus elaboration of the day:

It starts at 9:29 am with my foursquare check in.

I had time to check in to foursquare because the security line up was INSANE. I felt like I was about to board an airplane, the only difference was they didn’t grope me and I got to leave my shoes on.

After clearing security, I made my way up to the second floor to stand in THE LINE.

Yes, the line up was ungodly hot. If you’ve been in THE LINE at the courthouse for traffic court, you’ll know that the front of the building is mainly glass, and at 9:35 in the morning, it heats up like a terrarium. Next there are some random RT’s to amuse myself. This and that. Then I get called to THE WINDOW.

“Good Morning” (from me)

“Good Morning” (look of surprise, bewilderment, then suspicion from the Justice of the Peace behind the counter.

“I have a speeding ticket”

“And what exactly would you like to do here today?”

“Well, the officer said I might be able to get my fine and demerits reduced if I came down to talk to you”

She stamps my ticket with the word “CROWN” and sends me to wait in some chairs, time at counter, 32 seconds.

He WAS a total douchebag, I wish I had pictures to prove it, but I will illustrate in words: Christian Audgier t shirt, jeans that looked embellished enough to belong to a mariachi, greasy gelled hair, wallet on chain…do I need to go on? Then he turned around and I almost laughed out loud, I mean from behind he looked mildly husky, but from the front he had a full on beer baby. It wasn’t even the mildly rounded beer belly of lots of men, he looked like he was smuggling a basketball. While I was trying to suppress my laughter is when he caught me looking at him. I can only assume he thought I was making eyes at him, since he stared at my ta-tas the entire time we waited for the CROWN, including while he talked on the phone to his girlfriend. Classssssy.

There was some discussion on my ability to make friends wherever I go, as well as my first realization that the CROWN may not believe my story…

And then this:

Douchebag was upset at having to wait 15 minutes for the CROWN, and was complaining loudly at the window. So loudly he missed his name being called. 3 TIMES. When he finally heard his name, he ran back to his chair (beside mine) grabbed his stuff, turned around, FARTED, and walked into the room. High point of my morning right there folks.

That’s when I decided to be productive, errr, sort of.

I figured that since I was sitting there, I may as well try my hand at publishing a post, start to finish with the WP App for iPhone. I have to say, I was pretty impressed. My post would have been longer, if I had a physical keyboard, but I tend to be verbose anyway, so it’s probably a good thing.

In the middle of my blogging, I got called to speak with the CROWN. Now this is not like going to see the WIZARD, there is no curtain or pyrotechnics. I sat down and we talked about my ticket. He asked me what had happened, I told him he wouldn’t believe me. He said to try him.

“Well, I was on my way to church…”

*eye rolling*

“No, seriously!” I told him the rest of the story. He asked me where Mahogany was, I told him, he seemed reassured, it was kinda weird. Then he said,

“I’ll make you a deal…”

“A deal? Like Mexico? Can I counter” (and my reign as queen of poor jokes at inopportune moments continues)

“No. This is a deal on my end, you, can take it or leave it.”

So he offered me a choice, pay the full fine and reduce my demerits from 3 to 0, or pay a reduced fine and reduce the demerits to 2. I chose the 0 demerits, as I like my low insurance costs. So the CROWN stamped something on my ticket and told me to see the cashier at window 13.

Douchy started chatting me up in line for the cashier, then this happened:

Fire alarms started sounding, strobe lights stated flashing, all of the ticket window people grabbed their coats and left. No one knows what is going on, all of the civilians are standing around looking confused and irritated and the employees just packed up thier stuff and left. Worst evacuation plan ever.

A few more minutes of confusion and deafening noises alternating between a chiming bell (think Big Ben) and a full on nuclear melt down war whoop. Then the SHERRIFF comes by, thanks me for my patience and drops this tidbit for me:

This, dear friends, is the reason I try not to take my children anywhere in public ever.

The moral of the story today children, is never speed through a playground zone. Your fine might be more than you bargained for.